True story. Now I look like I was stung by a bee or slept on my face all night. Damn you Lalaloopsy doll. I can’t be mad at my little one though because she wasn’t throwing it to hit me. It was more of a protest about sleeping. Alone. Without me. Now that I think about it, maybe it was on purpose….
(No, I know it wasn’t.)
When it came to friends, I used to joke and call myself needy. What I should have called myself was normal. It’s normal to desire strong friendships that make life a little easier. It’s not needy. Needy is calling friends all the time to help you through every problem in existence. It’s being dramatic and making your life more important than theirs. It’s not understanding that you are not the center of the world.
Years back, I had two very good friends who were in similar life situations. We all had one child and we all took time off from work. It was easier to chat, compare experiences, give advice, and even get together. Fast forward to 10 kids later, one stay-at-home mom, one going back to school mom, and one teacher mom, we don’t have time to pee, let alone talk on the phone. I miss that simple time, when I didn’t feel like I was going through “this” alone.
I’m not needy, but “wanty” of that time back. There’s nothing wrong with that. And if I want it, I need to pursue it. So there are 10 kids and their activities and different schedules…. True friendship surpasses all time and space. If I can find time to pee, I can find time to call. And true, true friends will even let you do both simultaneously.
Sssssh…don’t tell anyone where I am. My husband and daughter are outside right now picking wild raspberries in the yard. She also wants to look for caterpillars. I want to focus on my newly made drink and devise a plan to get some alone time in the bathtub. I have a friend who pretends to have the stomach bug so her children will leave her alone, but unfortunately it’s not that time of year.
Today on facebook, a friend posted that she was not her children’s cruise director. It’s funny because I say that all the freakin time to my two oldest. When I was little, I didn’t bother my mother with things to do because I knew she’d make me clean something. I went outside and found the neighborhood kids and didn’t return until the soles of my feet were black. Seriously black. One time they even had mud caked on them. Now I know that we don’t live in a cul-de-sac, but we have a fantastic backyard and as long as you have an imagination, who needs friends.
I can think of ten different things to do outside but they can’t think of one.
1. build a fairy house
2. climb a tree
3. play ball…you get the picture
This week has been even more difficult because the two oldest were with their dad all week and my youngest was ill for a few days. That meant obnoxious amounts of TV for her and not leaving the house for 2 1/2 days for me. (Don’t worry- I organized like crazy.) On top of that she’s dealing with being scared of everything; going to her room, to the bathroom, to play with kids that she knows… I was nice and comforting at first, but seeing this has been going on for months, I’ve turned into a raging bitch. Not only am I not your cruise director, but I’m not your “Gopher” either.
So I can’t join my friend El for a drink tonight, but maybe we can skype each other from our bathtubs. It’ll be like the LoveBoat without all the drama. Ima need another drink Isaac. Cheers!*should say- he knows how long…
10 Things I’m Angry About Right Now
1. If I text you, could you at least text back to say Hi? I get it, you’re busy. But hey, we’re all busy. If you have time to be on Instagram and Facebook, I’m pretty sure you have time to check if I’m alive.
2. Not enough people say please and thank you anymore. I OVERLY use those expressions, even when I’m mad at someone, say like the government worker who messed up my social security status. I still thanked her for fixing it.
3. My children have become ungrateful and I don’t remember instilling this awful character trait in them. Please tell me it’s the nature of a child.
4. I still doubt myself as a parent and friend everyday. Maybe when I’m dead I’ll stop.
5. My first thought when my oldest girls tell me they had fun with their dad is to think I have to top it. Don’t worry, it’s just a fleeting thought quickly squelched by my conscious mind, which reminds me love is more important than things or activities.
6. I don’t have enough time or don’t think I have enough time to actually call my parents on the phone, so I text them. I hate this about myself. They deserve better than this.
7. My joints ache and it’s my fault from making poor food choices. Why do I do this again and again and again.
8. I start school in less than 2 weeks and I feel some people don’t view it as it should be viewed: a job. No, I don’t get paid, but I have to put in just as much effort as one would put into their job. It’s not my “free time” where I eat bon bons and joke with friends.
9. Being a stay at home mom is a thankless job. No one really knows or cares about what you do, but when you don’t do it, they notice.
10. I’ve never been a Godmother. (So random, right?)
Thanks for letting me vent y’all! I feel better already. (No, not really, but I’ll lie anyway). xoxo
If you had asked me at the beginning of the summer if I would be wearing a bikini to the lake, I would have said hell no. I didn’t feel up to it, emotionally or physically, so why put myself through such torture. Wear it laying out on my deck, sure, but out to the lake? Where I had to walk in front of people to get to the water and where my mommy belly would surely show itself when I bent over to pick something up? No. Nope. Not doing it. But if you don’t force yourself out of your comfort zone, are you truly living?
Yesterday, I took my little one and her BFF to the lake to swim for a few hours. Being that they are almost 5 and 5, I needed to be present in the water with them. Should I play it safe and wear my normal “mommy” bathing suit and have two toned legs for the rest of the summer or suck it up and grow a pair. It was a hard decision, but I put on my big girl bikini on and didn’t look back.
"Hey Pina, what do you think?"
"Um, you look weird."
"Thanks". She’s not even sure what weird means, so I’m taking it as a compliment. There’s no looking back now.
As I treaded water with the two littles, I looked around the lake and had a moment of clarity: wearing my bikini was actually liberating. Each one of us has something we don’t like about ourselves and wearing the bikini forced my flaws right out into the open. If we’re all exposed, is no one really flawed anymore? I saw people and not bodies. I didn’t worry about my legs or my belly or my big booty. I just was. It was peaceful to swim out to the “deep end” with my company. We laughed, splashed, and swam all afternoon. No one stared at me. No one cared. Not even me.
Now all I want to do is buy more bikinis! I want to wear them everywhere. Ok, not everywhere, but I want to wear them to the beach, to the pool, to the lake…. I’m still keeping my skirt tankinis for when I’m feeling low, but I’m hoping to keep them in the drawer for the rest of the summer. My inner bikini is out and she is proud y’all!